LeBron James signs contract

Cleveland, Ohio - The most long awaited decision in sports history has finally been made as professional basketball player LeBron James announced that he has signed a contract and will be moving to Los Angeles in the upcoming weeks.


In an unprecedented surprise, James announced in a press conference today that he has not signed a a multi-million dollar contract with either the LA Clippers or the LA Lakers, who won their 2nd straight NBA Championship last month. James instead has signed a four-year $650,000 contract with the LA Galaxy. of Major League Soccer.


"I said that winning was most important to me and I wasn't kidding," said James, who reportedly made his decision after watching Galaxy mid-fielder Landon Donavon's performance in the 2010 World Cup.


"I wanted to be paired up with the best athlete in the country. With Landon, I think we can bring home at least 10 or 11 MLS championships to Los Angeles, and hopefully a world cup or two while I'm at at."


Although the $650,000 contract James signed is a fraction of what he could have gotten from any of at least six NBA teams, it is the largest contract ever signed in the MLS. And while James has not kicked a soccer ball since the age of 9, most soccer analysts believe he will be an all-star forward, defenseman, and goal tender by the time his contract expires in 2013.


As a result of James' decision, two-thirds of Ohio residents have now pledged to follow "King James" to the new holy land on the west coast, and a record breaking 36 soccer jerseys were sold at respective sporting goods stores throughout America today.


"I'm happy to hear that I've already broken so many records for American soccer," said James at a press conference. "I could hardly even make it to an NBA finals in my first 7 years in the NBA," who, after his decision was immediately dropped from his Nike endorsement deal and announced that he planned to sign an 8-year deal with Umbro.


Since James' announcement, fellow free agent Chris Bosh, who has spent his entire career with the Toronto Raptors, announced that he would soon be in negotiations with both the New York Rangers, of the NHL, and the Orlando Titans, of the National Lacrosse League.

53rd straight year of record highs

Boston, Ma - Scientists claimed earlier today that Boston once again reached record breaking temperatures over the last two days as the sun scorched down on the helpless residents of the city. Even more shocking, is that this is the 53rd straight year that record highs have been recorded.


"There is no denying it. The summers in the Northeast continue to lengthen and peak temperatures continue to rise," explained Dr. Harold King of the Center for Environmental Science and Policy. "You have to be a complete idiot not to see that this is a directly related to global climate change."


Glenn Beck, conservative radio and television host, emphatically disagrees, saying that global warming is "based purely on catastrophic hypotheticals that dramatically exaggerate even what the UN says." Beck continued by saying "It's Al Gore's best supporting actor: the word 'if'."


What cannot be denied, however, are the catastrophic events caused by the intense heat wave in New England over the last couple of days. Warnings were sent out to senior citizens throughout Boston via email, informing them to of the dangerous heat and pleading with them to stay hydrated. Unfortunately, Sgt. Ray Palluga of the Boston Police Department, who was responsible for informing the elderly of the heat, apparently forgot that it takes the average senior citizen 12.5 hours to open and read an email. As a result, dozens of old people packed into emergency rooms, ponds, and convenience store freezers in hope of finding relief from the 100+ degree weather.


Sgt. Palluga responded to the error by simply stating it was "my bad."


Aside from the health issues of the elderly, city officials were also forced to set up cooling stations downtown, put out fires on six trees which had spontaneously combusted, and scoop up one basset hound that had melted to the sidewalk somewhere in the south end.


Scientists have now predicted that, if summer temperatures continue at this rate, temperatures in Florida will hit "Venus-like" highs in the summer of 2035.


"All I want is a way to carry my fan with me somewhere to buy ice cream," explained resident Julie Hubbard, adding "I feel like I'm melting right now, and.. I just can't stop. It won't stop."


Beck re-asserted his disbelief in the science behind global climate change even after hearing the striking events in Boston over the last two days.


"Those liberal sissies in Boston need to suck it up and deal with the heat like our founding fathers would have: by dressing up as Native Americans and hurling one another into the Boston Harbor."