53rd straight year of record highs

Boston, Ma - Scientists claimed earlier today that Boston once again reached record breaking temperatures over the last two days as the sun scorched down on the helpless residents of the city. Even more shocking, is that this is the 53rd straight year that record highs have been recorded.


"There is no denying it. The summers in the Northeast continue to lengthen and peak temperatures continue to rise," explained Dr. Harold King of the Center for Environmental Science and Policy. "You have to be a complete idiot not to see that this is a directly related to global climate change."


Glenn Beck, conservative radio and television host, emphatically disagrees, saying that global warming is "based purely on catastrophic hypotheticals that dramatically exaggerate even what the UN says." Beck continued by saying "It's Al Gore's best supporting actor: the word 'if'."


What cannot be denied, however, are the catastrophic events caused by the intense heat wave in New England over the last couple of days. Warnings were sent out to senior citizens throughout Boston via email, informing them to of the dangerous heat and pleading with them to stay hydrated. Unfortunately, Sgt. Ray Palluga of the Boston Police Department, who was responsible for informing the elderly of the heat, apparently forgot that it takes the average senior citizen 12.5 hours to open and read an email. As a result, dozens of old people packed into emergency rooms, ponds, and convenience store freezers in hope of finding relief from the 100+ degree weather.


Sgt. Palluga responded to the error by simply stating it was "my bad."


Aside from the health issues of the elderly, city officials were also forced to set up cooling stations downtown, put out fires on six trees which had spontaneously combusted, and scoop up one basset hound that had melted to the sidewalk somewhere in the south end.


Scientists have now predicted that, if summer temperatures continue at this rate, temperatures in Florida will hit "Venus-like" highs in the summer of 2035.


"All I want is a way to carry my fan with me somewhere to buy ice cream," explained resident Julie Hubbard, adding "I feel like I'm melting right now, and.. I just can't stop. It won't stop."


Beck re-asserted his disbelief in the science behind global climate change even after hearing the striking events in Boston over the last two days.


"Those liberal sissies in Boston need to suck it up and deal with the heat like our founding fathers would have: by dressing up as Native Americans and hurling one another into the Boston Harbor."